The Seinfeld of blog posts

I went to Target tonight to buy some things for my work "white elephant Christmas exchange". Technically I guess its a "holiday exchange" because I don't think you are allowed to say "Christmas" at work. At any rate, you have to buy a gift worth at least $20. Most people buy lotion sets, useless knick knacks, snuggies (I guess thats the same as a useless knick knack), or other junk.

I typically buy a DVD - most people like movies. I like movies but I never get around to watching DVDs. The past two years I have bought a Tiger Beat magazine as a gag gift to include with my DVD. I didn't want to break tradition so I picked up the latest issue of Tiger Beat to throw in with my gift. The current issue's big story is "Is Justin Beiber a Good Kisser?". (see picture for proof i didn't make this up) I didn't think much about it much at the time but then realized that this was the only thing in my cart. A 30 year old guy walking around with Tiger Beat in his cart....nice.

I wandered around looking for other stuff to buy (they had a good deal on sweat pants $6.48) and finally made my way to the checkout counter. I generally don't pay much attention to those around me in line but considering I was about to buy a Tiger Beat I was paying pretty close attention to make sure no one noticed. The lady in front of me had a very noticeable mustache, very thick. A mustache I would be proud to own. I then overheard this conversation between the mustache lady and the cashier.

Cashier: Do you do hair?

Mustache Lady: No, I do makeup.

Cashier: Oh that makes sense.

Wait, wait. Why would it make sense for the female Tom Selleck to do makeup? Wouldn't a makeup artist be the last person to have unsightly facial hair?

If you haven't noticed by now, there is no point to this.

News Break

Ricky Martin came out of the closet this week.

In other shocking news, my shoe size is the same as it was yesterday, Maroon 5 sucks and people like ice cream.

Hey Mike Tyson - need some work?

I am going to try to blog more this year. It seems like I have all these thoughts and never write them down, or type them down.

Is this real? I really cant figure it out. The Taco Bell diet?

http://www.drivethrudiet.com/

Speaking of not being able to figure out if things are real. I saw this show called Jersey Shore today. This might be the worst MTV show since 2Gether: The Series. See here if you don't remember http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEKWZk16N_w

I think Jersey Shore might be worse actually because these people are real even if their tans aren't. The episode I saw today showed this one girl called Snickers or something get punched in the face. It was really pretty funny, she probably deserved it. I don't punch people, but if I did punch people, I'd probably punch her or hire someone to punch her.

This leads me to the point of this blog. I think there is a niche out there for "Sucker Punch Hit Men". I think people like me (who don't punch people) would pay other people to punch a "mark" of their choice.

Maybe not.

I feel like playing "Punch Out" now though.

What do these things have in common?

Rake leaves, watch the Notebook twice, learn how to drive a stick shift, churn butter, wash my car, wash your car, eat a handful of crickets (dead or alive), go to a Nickelback concert, lick a plate of ketchup, go salsa dancing, babysit John and Kate's kids, clean up vomit, listen to a Lil Wayne cd, watch the entire first season of Barney and Friends, smash my thumb in a car door, dive head first into a vat of mayonase, wear a Washington Redskins shirt at a Cowboys game, give birth to a panda, eat kitty cat soup, live in West Virginia. Ok thats enough.

What do all of these things have in common?

All things I'd rather do than watch the World Series.

A New Way to Valet

Sorry its been so long, I forgot my password.

I don't know about all of you, but one thing I have sworn I'll never make a habit of (no matter how much money I have) is valet parking. I can tie my own shoes, brush my own teeth and park my own automobile. So keep that in mind while reading this next little story.

I went to see my cousin Steve's band "Red Hour"http://www.myspace.com/redhourmusic play the other night (plug). It was in a club; nothing too crazy and certainly nothing fancy. So before his band goes on, I'm chatting with Steve and if any of you know me, you realize that at some point my walnut size bladder is going to get antsy and I'll need to use the restroom. I excuse myself from the conversation and Steve says something like "watch out, they have attendants in there". Awesome.

Bathroom attendant has got to be down there with accountant for worst job on the planet. These guys wait for you to enter the restroom, unzip your pants (potential exaggeration), wait for you to finish, flush for you (another potential exaggeration), turn on the sink, squirt soap in your hands, give you a towel and expect a tip. The guy this night even dusted off my back with what appeared to be a feather duster (not an exaggeration).

You really cant avoid this. Unless you go outside behind the tree, there is no other place to go. So here I am forced to partake in this ritual that haunts me every time I think about using the restroom. It didn't dawn on me until the other night that this was the exactly the same way I feel when I think I might be forced to valet park. And it was in this moment that I coined what I think is a brand new term that I will use in a sentence for you.

"Man, I hate going to that restaurant, they make you valet pee." Urban dictionary here I come.

Sounded a little funnier in my head, but I'm too lazy to think of something else to write about.

Dallas Cowboys Preview

So I've heard a lot the last two days about how Tony Romo dumped Jessica on the day before her birthday. Why would he do this everyone asks? The answer is simple...he JUST NOW realized that she used to date a member of 98 degrees. That's like dating a girl that used to date one of the guys from Hanson. I mean who would do that?...oh...wait...crap...uhhhh....

Anyway, this is a good lead in to thinking about the fast approaching NFL season. I have always been a pretty big Cowboys fan, though I do admit to skipping a few years in the Quincy Carter era. I was as obnoxious last year as anyone - I could have swore up and down that they were going to win the SuperBowl before the season even started.

This year I am going to take a more realistic approach at how we (yes I am on the team) may fair.

Offensively I think the Cowboys are still in the top tier. Roy Williams will be much improved this season and if he and Romo can get on the same page I predict success. If Jason Garrett uses the three running backs as he should and the offensive line protects like it did 2 years ago we shouldn't have any problems putting up 28+ points per game. I'm pretty interested to see how Garrett uses all 3 backs. Personally - I think Tashard Choice might just be the best of the three in terms of all around talent.

Defensively we have made some changes but the man who lead the league in sacks last year (Demarcus Ware) is back and as beastly as ever. The secondary should be improved with the purging of Roy Williams and Anthony Henry (possibly the two slowest defensive backs ever). I think the young defense will still struggle at time but should be fairly solid.

Below is the Cowboys schedule and my corresponding predictions. Maybe I am a little TOO optimistic but I have them splitting games with the Giants, Eagles and Skins. The Atlanta, Carolina and New Orleans games could go either way but I think they will take 2 of the 3 . All of this leads to a 11-5 record for the year. Seems feasible to me.

DATE	OPPONENT (TV BROADCAST)	TIME	Prediction
Sun, Sept 13	@ Tampa Bay (FOX)	Noon	W
Sun, Sept 20	NEW YORK GIANTS (NBC)	7:15 PM	L
Mon, Sept 28	CAROLINA (ESPN)	7:30 PM	W
Sun, Oct 4	@ Denver (FOX)	3:15 PM	W
Sun, Oct 11	@ Kansas City (FOX)	Noon	W
Sun, Oct 18	BYE
Sun, Oct 25	ATLANTA (FOX)	3:15 PM	W
Sun, Nov 1	SEATTLE (FOX)	NOON	W
Sun, Nov 8	@ Philadelphia (NBC)	7:15 PM	L
Sun, Nov 15	@ Green Bay (FOX)	3:15 PM	W
Sun, Nov 22	WASHINGTON (FOX)	NOON	W
Thurs, Nov 26	OAKLAND (CBS)	3:15 PM	W
Sun, Dec 6	@ New York Giants (FOX)	3:15 PM	W
Sun, Dec 13	SAN DIEGO (CBS)	3:15 PM	L
Sat, Dec 19	@ New Orleans (NFLN)	7:15 PM	L
Sun, Dec 27	@ Washington (NBC)	7:15 PM	L
Sun, Jan 3	PHILADELPHIA (FOX)	NOON	W

Advances in Technology

I was asked this question yesterday "Why don't you know how to drive a stick shift?"

Valid question I guess.

Here was my answer:

"Hmm, maybe the same reason I dont churn my own butter, sew my own clothing or slaughter my own meat....because I dont have to."

Thanks technology.

TechnoloGees = Gangsters with computers